Parents are to teach their children about God’s good designs. Assure them that God is the one who created intimacy, orgasms, and romantic affection. Remind them that in marriage, God has provided a place to enjoy and explore our sexual desires. The world offers our children a mirage of cotton-candy pleasures, but God’s designs are good and satisfying. While directing desire toward a spouse is appropriate, desire’s ultimate aim goes further. Our children may never marry. Their spouse may become sick, and intimacy may be hindered. This is why our chief aim must be to delight in God.
Pornography is not new. Archeological discoveries testify that fascination with sexual portrayals is nearly as old as humanity. Yet our times present new challenges. Technological advancements coupled with moral corrosion are increasing the accessibility and normality of pornography at a dizzying rate. This poses a tremendous threat (and opportunity) for parents. We are raising children in a more pornographic world.
Roughly three thousand years ago, a father wisely spoke to his sons about the same ultimate dangers our children face today. Pornography was not as prevalent, but sexual temptation abounded. So, Solomon spent precious time talking with his sons about the dangers and delights of sexuality. I’m convinced his wisdom is still applicable to us today as we lead our sons and daughters. What follows is not a full-scale parenting plan, but nine principles to consider as we parent in a pornified age.
1. Cultivate the conversation.
Whether you like it or not, the world is having a sexualized conversation with your children. As parents, we aim to not be like Adam, who stood by as the serpent threatened his family (Genesis 3:6). Rather, we engage our children in conversation about all topics — including sex and pornography. Throughout Proverbs, Solomon models this initiative. Right at the outset, he says, “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching” (Proverbs 1:8). Solomon repeats the call no less than 25 times in the book. He has an ever-evolving conversation with his son about every arena of life.
Satan wants you to feel uncomfortable talking with your kids about intimate issues. Don’t let him deceive you. Children are hardwired to desire parental care and leadership. They are grateful when their parents lovingly engage in conversations about the blessings and dangers of life. So, wise parents set a tone in the home that encourages and rewards open, honest, ongoing dialogue.
The more you have normal conversations with your children about sex, the easier it becomes to have serious ones. Talk about sex as you would talk about other significant life topics. When they ask questions, answer them honestly and appropriately. This eases awkwardness and builds rapport in preparation for the serious conversations you know are coming. Solomon revisited the subject with his sons four times in the first seven chapters of Proverbs. This suggests that ongoing conversations are more natural than one or two big scheduled meetings.
As your children grow, the tenor and content will develop as well. Speak with younger children about appreciating beauty, protecting private parts, God’s design for sex, and knowing the difference between good pictures and bad pictures. Introducing these topics early will pave the way for more thorough conversations in the future. Reading the Bible from cover to cover as a family will provide no shortage of opportunities to talk about sex, temptation, and God’s help to deliver. Above all else, remember that God is a good Father who loves to give wisdom to his children when we ask (Luke 11:5–13). Solomon pled for wisdom to care for those under his leadership, and we must do the same (1 Kings 3:9; James 1:5).
2. Encourage honesty.
Telling the truth can be terrifying for children, especially when the truth involves sexual sin and temptation. Shame, fear, and awkwardness will tempt them to retreat and hide. Wise parents tenderly lead them down paths of truth in every area of life, including conversations about pornography.
Recently, a mother from our church shared that her son was shown porn by a friend at school. She was scared and didn’t know how to respond. While it was a sad moment, we celebrated the fact that her son brought the incident to her. He didn’t always tell the truth, but that time he did. Praise God.
Regularly ask age-appropriate questions about what your children are seeing online. For example:
- Have any friends or family members ever shown you inappropriate pictures?
- Have you ever accidentally seen inappropriate pictures or read inappropriate stories?
- Have you looked up anything you know might be wrong?
As you ask questions like these, assure them that no matter what, you’ll always love them. They may feel awkward, shameful, or fearful to tell the truth. Be patient with them and give them time to process. Open the door for them to come back to you anytime if they remember something they need to tell you.
If your children admit to looking at pornography, don’t shame them. Meet their honesty with appreciation. Thank them for being brave and talking with you. Ask if they have any questions they want to process with you. Spend time in prayer with them, asking God to protect and heal them. If your child gets caught looking at pornography and tries covering it up, remind him that people have been tempted to hide sin since the beginning (Genesis 3:7–8).
3. Guide their curiosity.
God created us to be curious. It is natural and good for children to consider their bodies, desires, and the words they hear. Parents do well to encourage curiosity and point children toward God’s beautiful design. At the same time, exploration can also be dangerous.
Satan wants to sabotage our curiosity and corrupt wholesome wonder with sinful investigation. He knows that early exposure to pornography or sexual experiences can deeply shape brain development and confuse affections. This is why we help our children “keep [their] heart with all vigilance” (Proverbs 4:23). This can happen with planned conversations, but most opportunities show up in daily life (Deuteronomy 6:6–7).
Years ago, our family passed a Victoria’s Secret store while walking through a shopping center. My children’s eyes were instinctively drawn to look at the pictures of nearly nude women hanging in the window. Without scolding them, my wife and I inquired, “Why do you think we were drawn to those pictures?” The encounter provided an opportunity to remind them that the reason we’re drawn to beauty is that God is beautiful, and we’re created to enjoy him (Psalm 27:4).
But Satan takes good things God created and twists them in a way that tempts us to look away from God. God created the women in the pictures to reflect his image and point people to him. But Satan tempted the models to misuse their beauty and tempted us to treat them like something to consume instead of someone to love.
Opportunities for instruction are endless. Parents can pray for God’s help to notice opportunities and to winsomely assure our children that curiosity is to be guided and guarded by God’s word.