These days, there are a myriad of young people who are itching for marriage but also experiencing a deep worry that they will never marry. They echo the common refrains that men are terrible, women are terrible, dating apps are terrible, and no one knows how to meet the opposite sex. I can relate to such a fear. Day by day you’re getting older, but your options remain scarce to totally absent. Usually, the latter. Sitting in this awful feeling can leave you lonely, depressed, and questioning your worth, even questioning life itself.
One of the biggest challenges we’ll ever have to face in life is fear. Not the kind of passive fear we experience when confronted with spiders or clowns. I’m talking about the kind of fear that is deeply rooted, the kind that you think about at any time of the day, the kind that leads you to turn down great opportunities and give up when you ought to press on. This fear zaps the joy from life constantly, and oftentimes, it first takes hold when we’re still children.
In my own experience, I can remember a time in middle school when I deeply wanted a girlfriend (of all things) but told myself I wasn’t good enough. Not just that I wasn’t good enough then, but I told myself I would never be good enough. Somehow, the treatment I felt at school turned into a belief that would follow me throughout most of my life. Despite having a girlfriend at times, when the relationship ended, I reminded myself of the lie I first believed in middle school. Only now, at almost 30 years of age, do I find myself fully moving past the lie and toward the truth.
Of course, none of that growth would have been possible without God’s Word. Whatever inklings of wisdom I would consider myself possessing today, I have because I want to learn, but more importantly, because God gives out wisdom so freely (James 1:5). Scripture has plenty to say about fear; words that have brought me edification, comfort, and peace when I lived anxiously. If, like me, you are struggling with deep fears about singleness, the kind that makes life unenjoyable, then you should turn to God for help. Jesus and other figures in the Bible spoke on the subject of fear, and what they make clear is that rewriting our thoughts to trust God is not only possible but worthwhile. Here are five verses for those who live in fear of perpetual singleness.
5 Verses for Those Who Live in Fear of Perpetual Singleness
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.” (2 Timothy 1:7, CSB)
While fear is all too common and contagious, Scripture makes clear that there is a better way to be. And in that better way to be, our minds can be totally free of the torment we so often feel over the what-ifs.
“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
One question I ask myself is, “How many times must I be reminded to not fear before I finally stop fearing?” Perhaps there is no number. Perhaps I’m just too sinful to never fear again. However, thanks to God’s grace, there is no shortage of reassurances found in the Bible. The disciples, and conversely, we, are told not to fear. God is with us, for us, He loves us, and He guides us every step of the way. If we believe Him, then we have no good reason to fear.
“The fear of mankind is a snare, but the one who trusts in the Lord is protected.” (Proverbs 29:25)
As I have learned from experience, and I’m sure you know from your own, fear snatches any and all semblances of joy from life. Rather than smiling, we frown. Rather than connect with people, we isolate. We often don’t get to choose the hardships we face and, therefore, can’t always anticipate how we will be impacted. Some of us have deep fears going back to childhood, fears that there was no way for us to understand at that time. While we couldn’t stop the fears then, we can learn how to appropriately respond to them now.
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he cares about you.” (1 Peter 5:6-7)
In my fear over singleness, I’ve told God how wrong He has been and tried to plead my case several times. I’ve told Him how I will be single forever and how He hasn’t helped me. That was my pride talking, though. Only in humility have I been able to take a step back and realize such truths as I don’t actually know the future. If you take a step back from your own fears, what discoveries will you make?
“Consider the birds of the sky: They don’t sow or reap or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you worth more than they?” (Matthew 6:26)
Fear leads us to focus so much on ourselves. We become irrational, prideful, and selfish. Jesus wants us to find a greater perspective by looking outward. That way, even when we believe lies about God as He pertains to ourselves, the truth will be revealed when we examine other people and even nature itself. Sometimes, looking out at nature reminds us that there is an entire world around us, not just the negative space we create in our heads.
Conclusion
I remember having an elderly coworker who spoke on the first time she argued with her husband. She was terrified that a single conflict would end in divorce. They weren’t arguing about anything serious, but they were arguing, and that was enough to leave her, as she said, “Scared to death.” What she realized as an older woman was that in childhood, she had internalized a fear of divorce. Her parents had been divorced, and she desperately did not want to continue the cycle. Thankfully, she did not, and instead, she learned how to address that fear.
Though I can’t relate to the experience of arguing with a spouse, listening to her story reminded me that if left unchecked, fear grows. I feared singleness forever, then got a girlfriend. You’d think this would eliminate the fear, yet while dating, the previous fear I felt turned into worry that my girlfriend would leave. That hurt the relationship. Likewise, living with a fear that I will be single forever hurts me while I’m still single. Again, that’s no way to live.
Not for me. And not for you.
Our lives don’t begin when we get married or start dating; our lives are happening now. Moreover, we are responsible for our own happiness. A wife or a husband, a girlfriend or boyfriend, can add to our lives, but they shouldn’t define us. We live for God and not for them. Therefore, don’t hold your happiness captive. Let go of the fear and live as best you can for the life God has given you today.
Photo Credit: Unsplash/Anthony Tran
Get in touch at aarondanthony.com and check out his short story “Serenity.”