Of course, Christians are called to be gentle. Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22). Harshness should have no place in a Christian family. But this title obscures the full biblical truth. What type of parenting has a correct biblical balance? Biblical parenting is about authority and affection. Those two qualities are seen throughout the Scripture as they relate to our heavenly Father. Even sociological studies have shown these types of homes nurture children who flourish. These are homes where there is high warmth and there is high authority. The children know they are loved and they know they need to obey Mom and Dad.
This is an open letter to dads who are in the midst of parenting. Your job as leader and shepherd, provider and protector of your family is incredibly important.
In Ephesians 6:4, God addresses us as fathers. Fathers, do not exasperate your children but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
It is true that moms are some of the most important and hardest working disciple-makers the church has. They bring unique strengths we as men don’t have. But even as Scripture calls women to be the primary heart-makers of our children, we as men are called to lead our households well (1 Tim. 3:4-5). We are ultimately responsible before God for the direction we go and the policies we implement as a family.
For that reason, this letter is addressed from a man to men. It is a call for you to lead and shepherd your family well. I’m writing to warn you about a pernicious teaching that may threaten your family in the future. It travels under the label of gentle parenting.
Gentle Parenting
What is gentle parenting? It is both a popular philosophy sweeping the country and hard to define exactly. It has been made popular by books like Gentle Discipline, by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, founder of GentleParentingInternational.com and Good Inside, by Dr. Becky Kennedy.
What seems to have confused Christians is that there are a few applications that all of us might find helpful. For example:
- There is an emphasis on building a heart connection with your child. This isn’t just building closeness, but also getting to the source of a behavior (or pattern of behavior).
- We want to attack the problem, not the person, and partner to solve problem together.
- Parenting is to be with a goal in mind, instead of managing (or reacting to) behaviors.
- We do not want to parent from anger.
While these ideas are good, they also depend upon the age of the child. I seek to build deeper heart connections as my children grow older. We work to solve problems together as they move into the preteen and teen years.
While gentle parenting is difficult to define, I continue to hear about numerous unwise applications. Practically it means moms negotiating with their three or four-year-old. It also means a refusal to implement any sort of direct commands or negative consequences. And even further it means so strongly disagreeing with other philosophies so as to leave a church. Unfortunately, gentle parents tend to have not so gentle (e.g. wild) kids. Why? Because underneath this style of parenting are unbiblical foundational ideas.
For example, Danielle Sullivan, a parenting coach and host of the Neurodiverging Podcast based in Lafayette, Colorado states, “Gentle parenting, also known as collaborative parenting, is a style of parenting where parents do not compel children to behave by means of punishment or control, but rather use connection, communication, and other democratic methods to make decisions together as a family.”
Dr. Becky Kennedy writes, “Let me share an assumption I have about you and your kids: you are all good inside. When you call your child ‘a spoiled brat,’ you are still good inside. When your child denies knocking down his sister’s block tower (even though you watched it happen), he is still good inside. And when I say ‘good inside,’ I mean that we all, at our core, are compassionate, loving, and generous. The principle of internal goodness drives all my work. . .”
One would think that such obvious anti-biblical ideas would set off alarms for those who follow Christ and believe the Bible. Bernard Howard wrote an article for The Gospel Coalition that is even more accepting than I would be but still points out the significant wrong thinking. Instead of agreeing with this, The Christian Post reported that the article “sparked debate” among “Christian parenting experts.”