Content warning: Article mentions discrimination rooted in homophobia.

Over the weekend, my wife and I drove three hours from our home in Virginia to Durham, North Carolina, to get fitted for suits for a friend’s upcoming wedding. I’ll spare you the painful details, but it was an incredibly demeaning experience: microaggression on top of homophobia on top of microaggression.

After being referred to as my wife’s “friend” and an awkward measuring process, amongst other things, we were told we’d have to settle for something “off the rack” (said in exactly the tone you’re imagining).

Is it because we are women? Because we’re queer? 

Who can say? Suffice it to say we didn’t get suits that day.

Wednesday, we woke up to the same America that empowered that man to treat me and my wife like he did. The reality we, as a society, don’t want to deal with is that we would have woken up in that same America even if Kamala Harris had won.

This is who America has always been: a place where you have to look a certain way or believe a certain thing or have certain body parts to have rights. The flippant candor of Trump and other Christian Nationalists has simply allowed people to act on these beliefs publicly instead of muttering those beliefs to themselves in the quiet of their own homes.

We need to look no further than Trump’s most recent campaign ads, which could have only been clearer about his intentions if they had included words like “n*gger,” “p*ck,” and “f*ggot.”

This may not be the America most of us want, but we are fooling ourselves if we think that America has ever been anything but this. I know that isn’t a word of comfort, but some of us (especially those of us who carry white privilege) need to be reminded of this fact so that we can work toward solutions rooted in reality.

Lord, give us eyes to see and ears to hear.

When we got home from our suit misadventure, I contacted the customer service department and filed a complaint. Not only did they respond within less than twenty-four hours, but they have assured me that they are changing their training process to ensure future clients don’t get treated that way.

Whether that is only lip service remains to be seen, but I’d like to believe that this experience will bring about tangible, meaningful change.

As I expressed my thanks, I also made it clear that I didn’t wish this individual any ill will. I don’t want him to lose his job; I want him to find his humanity.

I honestly believe that the only way we’re going to move forward as a country is if we can learn to hold people accountable for their discriminatory actions while also calling to the humanity within them. 

Celtic Christians have long believed that we are all born with the innate goodness of God interwoven into our very being. If that’s true, then that means the people who believe racist ideologies and promote homophobic ethics have that spark of goodness in them, too. It may be buried by the fear White supremacy has fed them consistently their whole lives, but that spark is still there.

Instead of yelling at them until I’m blue in the face, I would rather find ways to help them dig through the muck to find that spark again.

There’s certainly something to be said for folks doing their own homework (reading about the experiences of BIPOC and queer folks in the U.S.), but people who believe they are right won’t see a need to do their homework unless a core belief is challenged. A Facebook post won’t challenge their beliefs, but a conversation might.

It certainly hurts more to be disappointed by my fellow humans this way time and time again, but I simply don’t have the energy to run on rage. I need that energy to instead hold the queer folks in my congregation as they weep.

I need it to encourage church members as they find new ways to be Christ’s hands and feet in the world.

I need it to hold space for those who, like that suit fitter, might actually be open to seeing my humanity – if graciously challenged and given a chance to rise to the occasion.

In the coming days, I want to challenge us to be intolerant of discriminatory actions while holding space for growth. That’s such a huge ask, I know. But we are long past the time of relying on like-minded book studies and echo-chamber prayer groups to fix anything.

We need to be willing to have hard conversations.
Bold conversations.
Risky conversations.

Is it fair? Absolutely not.

Is it necessary? I believe our lives depend on it.

We already know that change isn’t going to trickle down. It has to grow upwards, reaching towards the heavens with all the desperation of a people searching for light. Let our roots be intertwined as we reach up together. 

May it be so, in Christ’s mercy. Amen.