Set hard boundaries
Psychology Today says, “Don’t underestimate the power of narcissism… narcissists have spent a lifetime learning how to devalue and take advantage of others. Narcissism is a powerful psychological phenomenon based on distorted views of self, others, and the world.”
Their website offers several suggestions for setting boundaries:
- Don’t justify, explain, or defend yourself.
- Leave when it doesn’t feel healthy (and I would personally add, safe).
- Decide what you will tolerate and what you won’t.
- Learn to artfully sidestep intrusive questions or negative comments.
- Take the bully by the horns.
- Remember: Good boundaries include consequences.
For in-depth explanations on each point, click “7 Ways to Set Boundaries with Narcissists.”
Avoid them
This action is actually sanctioned by God in 2 Timothy 3:1-7 (ESV), which states that in the end times, “people will be lovers of self… avoid (αποφεύγω: “shun, keep clear of, turn away from”) such people.” The NIV translation says, “have nothing to do with them.”
Avoidance takes setting hard boundaries a step further. With hard boundaries, one may still engage or have “low contact” with a narcissist. Avoiding them, however, requires that we adopt a strict “no contact” policy. This means no texting, emailing, or talking. Block them on your social media accounts. Do not engage with them even through a third party.
Why would God recommend such drastic action? To protect you as his beloved child. God advises avoidance so that we will not be drawn away by the charm and charisma of a narcissist and suffer unnecessary physical, mental, emotional, and/or spiritual trauma.
Also, avoidance is to protect the flock, God’s Bride. Sadly, many pastors can and have exhibited narcissistic tendencies—bullying church members, craving authority and power, being entitled and/or abusive, and acting jealous when others exhibit greater talent or garner more attention and praise than them. Too often, these toxic pastors have caused untold damage to their churches and left broken relationships and wounded hearts in their wake. In such cases, it’s imperative that such noxious pastors be removed immediately.
[Consider reading “When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse,” by Chuck DeGroat, if your church has been wounded by a pastoral narcissist.]
For someone married to a narcissist, avoidance may mean a temporary separation until both can get the help they need. Once a spouse has decided to leave, they need to take precautions beforehand, writes Anna Drescher in “Narcissistic Relationship: Signs, Impact, and How to Cope.”
She recommends that they follow these steps:
Gather important documents and essential belongings and keep them in a safe place.
Plan the logistics of your departure, including where you’ll go and how you’ll get there.
Inform trusted friends, family members, or colleagues about your plan to leave.
Choose a time to leave when the narcissistic partner is not present or when they are less likely to react violently.
Change your passwords for email, social media, and any other accounts the narcissistic partner might have access to.
Check your devices for trackers, and be cautious about sharing your location on social media.
If possible, gradually disengage from the relationship before leaving.
If you have children, let the nursery or school know who is allowed to pick them up.
If you anticipate danger during the departure, consider having a friend, family member, or even law enforcement be present to ensure your safety.
After leaving, seek therapy or counseling to help you process the experience, heal, and rebuild your life (and your marriage, if possible).
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