Let me say this upfront: it’s okay to feel messy sometimes. It’s okay to not have it all figured out. It’s okay if you’re overwhelmed, confused, or exhausted from holding it all together. The truth is, life gets messy—and that’s not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you are human.

So many of us have been taught—directly or indirectly—that we need to “get over it,” “stay strong,” or “be positive no matter what.” But that mindset, though well-intentioned, can cause deep harm. It can stop us from processing what we feel, it can trap emotions in our bodies, and it can sabotage the very growth we’re trying to achieve.

Here’s the good news: Your mind was never designed to suppress emotions. It was designed to process them. And when we make space for self-compassion—especially in the middle of the mess—we unlock the brain’s natural ability to heal, regulate, and grow stronger.

Let’s unpack the science behind why showing yourself compassion is one of the most powerful things you can do for your mental health, especially when life feels out of control.

Your Brain on Compassion

Self-compassion isn’t self-pity. It’s not about making excuses or avoiding hard truths. It’s about acknowledging what you feel without judgment, and responding to yourself the way you would a dear friend.

When you’re kind to yourself, your brain responds. Studies in neuroscience have shown that self-compassion activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming your body’s stress response and releasing oxytocin and endorphins—chemicals that help you feel safe, supported, and connected.

On the flip side, harsh self-criticism does the opposite. It increases cortisol, suppresses the immune system, and actually reduces your brain’s ability to problem-solve, emotionally regulate, and recover from trauma. When we beat ourselves up for struggling, we keep ourselves stuck in survival mode.

You can’t heal in a state of shame. But you can absolutely heal in a state of compassion.

It’s Not Weakness—it’s Wiring

Many people confuse self-compassion with weakness or self-indulgence. But from a neurobiological perspective, compassion is a protective, strengthening force.

In fact, self-compassion builds what I call “emotional immunity.” Just like physical immunity protects your body from disease, emotional immunity helps your brain and body stay resilient in the face of challenges. Self-compassion literally rewires your brain to respond to stress more calmly, recover from setbacks more quickly, and feel less threatened by uncertainty.

That’s why self-compassion isn’t something “nice to do if you have time.” It’s essential for mental well-being.

Growth Doesn’t Happen in Perfection—it Happens in the Mess

Let me be real with you: personal growth is not linear. It’s not neat or Instagram-worthy. And it’s certainly not about having all the right answers. It’s about being brave enough to stay in the discomfort long enough to understand what it’s trying to teach you.

So many people ask me, “Dr. Leaf, how do I know I’m growing?” And I often say: If you’re feeling a little uncomfortable, if your emotions are rising, if you’re noticing your patterns more clearly than ever before—that’s growth.

We don’t grow because we avoided the pain. We grow because we leaned into it, reflected on it, and chose to show up with compassion instead of shame.

When you say, “I’m allowed to feel this,” your brain doesn’t shut down. It opens up. You shift from survival to , How to Help Your Child Clean Up their Mental Mess, and Think, Learn, Succeed. She teaches at academic, medical, and neuroscience conferences, and to various audiences around the world. Take the Quiz: How Messy Is Your Mind? Download the app: Neurocycle App. Books by Dr. Leaf NEUROCYCLE20 for 20% off a web subscription. 

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