Burke County
My soul swelled with the venom from their betrayal. I ached all over, and my head throbbed. Their words banged between the walls of my heart, echoing over and over: unworthy. Outwardly, I pretended to be unfazed, draping my wounds with a calm façade and routine. But inwardly, I gasped for breath, praying for relief. No island of peace appeared, only the endless horizon of waves from anger and grief.
Grappling with betrayal felt like grief. Those agonizing, endless replays of regret and darkness that slithered into my heart in the unguarded moments. Dizziness controlled me as I ran in circles, my heart bleeding from their daggers of hatred. Innocent people and random words triggered those memories.
Much later, I realized that the four stages of grief could also be applied to betrayal: shock, denial, acceptance, and adjustment. The absolute, can’t-wrap-my-mind-around-it, surreal feeling of being in a bubble and life continuing without me came first. Then, the denial of reality by thinking of a thousand reasons to explain away the awful possibility of betrayal. Finally, accepting that there is no other explanation for their actions but intentional. And then, looking wildly around for rescue and realizing how alone I was, I drifted on the sea of life.
When a conversation made a 90-degree turn toward betrayal, my heart rate shot up. My face flushed with shame and embarrassment, and I quickly looked around the empty auditorium to see if strangers stood nearby. I remember the rubbery smell from the newly installed ugly red carpet. When I see red rugs stretched from wall to wall, I still gag. His words stunned me with their vicious attack, the hot glue of spite searing them forever into my memory.
One day, while struggling to pry loose the sticky memory of betrayal, I dimly remembered a long-ago treasure. I possessed a secret weapon designed to deflect the despair of betrayal. For a while, I stumbled around in the closet of my past, searching for the defensive item I had acquired decades ago. Searching through my closet, I finally found it in a back corner, covered with discarded useless things, a distinct mustiness lingering on its edges.
I plucked memories lying on top of my forgotten weapon, casting aside unused and long-discarded items, and unearthed what I’d been looking for. Finally, I saw the edge of the weapon emerging from the chaos. The frayed and tattered side of a dusty Bible appeared with a bookmark pointing to a tiny story heard long ago and hastily forgotten.
I opened the ancient pages and read again the story of Rizpah in the Bible, a woman betrayed by a country, her people, her king, and her husband. She certainly sounded qualified to talk about handling betrayal! Although I trusted that the Lord of the Bible, whom I had known for decades, could show me how to use her weapon, I didn’t quite understand until I read her story over and over again in 2 Samuel chapters 3 and 21.
About the fourth time I read 2 Samuel 21:1-13, I discovered the outline of my secret weapon tucked in her divinely-told story. My spiritual eye caught the glint of the sword edge gleaming from those verses. Four times, in fourteen short verses, God inserted Rizpah’s father’s name. In each season of her life, his name was mentioned when:
• on her ascent to power and prestige
• on her downward spiral when life plummeted
• on the lonely, death-filled hillside
• on the day she heard from the king, and closure for her tragedy began
Her father’s name was strongly linked to the seasons of her life.
I stopped, my eyes riveted on those four times, and then the Holy Spirit nudged me, causing me to remember all those times in the Bible when my own heavenly Father showed up. His Words to me drifted through the window of my soul, sending healing breezes and a soothing balm to my heart wounds.
Now, when I hear the trigger snap and memories come flooding back, I gently open the window again and feel the soft, subtle breeze of God’s love for me, ever present, always reminding me of the brevity of my life on earth and of eternity with Him.
What do you think about drawing out your secret weapon when the shame comes rolling back in from betrayal? Telling your inner self that, as a person who is a believer of Jesus Christ, your Father is with you in every season of your life. He is plucking out the stinger of betrayal and healing the swollen places of your soul with the balm of His love and presence.
“For more about coping with reactions to life, check out the author’s upcoming Bible study called Essentials for Emotional Resilience: Unlocking Secrets from Six Bible Women for Restoring a Godly Perspective.”
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Marlene is an author and teacher of Bible studies. She may be reached at [email protected]
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