Churches are supposed to be our forever homes. Clergy don’t enter Christian ministry thinking that the relationship with their first church may not last.
Where do you go when the church is not a sanctuary? “Just go to another one” is not the answer. It spiritually bypasses the deeply wounding experience and sends the wrong message about church hurt and trauma.
Once the honeymoon period is over, many pastors learn who voted for them and who did not. The numbers add up differently for clergypersons who must be all in when they apply. This includes the wife and 2.5 children as most churches don’t call women to serve as pastor. It’s their loss—not ours.
Then, clergy are told anecdotally that it will take seven to ten years to become the pastor. This means the new pastor is expected to serve the congregation until the members have grieved the loss of their former pastor and can finally accept him (in most cases) as their own.
Stuck in between their seminary class on pastoral care and the reality that they will serve with the former pastor literally hanging over their head, the new pastor can quickly lose momentum and excitement. Calling an interim minister could have helped but if the congregation is not ready, willing, and able to (1) come to terms with their history, (2) discover their new identity, (3) manage leadership shifts and changes, (4) rethink and/or renew denominational affiliation, and (5) commit to a new pastoral leader and a new future, then the five stages of interim ministry won’t help.
As is the case for healthcare professionals and teachers, clergy are leaving the profession. It is an unexpected path, but they simply cannot go back—not behind a pulpit and in some cases, not even to a pew.
Many clergy have been pummeled during the pandemic as some members work out their trauma and grief by treating them like a punching bag and perfect sacrifice because “what would Jesus do”? Work extra hours and take it.
“The other thing that happened to cause my demise in ministry was my own damn personal growth. As I learned to value and nurture my own vulnerability, I no longer wanted to grow thick skin or tough it out. I no longer believed I should have to,” Stacey Midge shared on Twitter after resigning from her ministry position.
Expected to immediately forgive and to always “be nice,” the congregational expectation of service with a smile—even while being attacked is illogical and unsustainable. Unable to comprehend that the attack would come from someone they’ve prayed for, spiritual abuse can upend a clergyperson’s life, especially when you thought that Christians were the good people and that you were on “the right side.”
Realizing they are behind enemy lines and being gaslighted with the knife still in their back, these clergy not only quit but leave the ministry altogether. They will need time and a safe space to remove the knife without the pressure of quoting scripture while they do it. Greeting cards and fruit baskets need not apply.
When religious leaders lose their faith, it is partly because of the abuse but perhaps, even more so because of those who sit and watch it happen. It is then that they realize they are not safe, won’t be protected and that it is likely to happen again.
“Just go to another one” doesn’t make sense when you put all your eggs into one basket, into one church. These clergy don’t have anything left to give to another one because they lost everything at a church that was supposed to be their forever home.