I was raised to show respect. “You stand for a lady,” Dad would lecture, “and you shake a man’s hand with a firm grip, looking straight into his eyes.” Botching a name or title was its own felony: “Always remember whether the person you’re talking to is called Mister, or Doctor, or Miss,” he’d warn. “People feel disrespected when you get their name wrong.”

So when a transgender friend who was born male wants me to call him “she,” I can almost see Dad glaring at me when I hesitate. “Well? What are you waiting for?”

Plenty of Christians are getting that same question from plenty of trans people these days. Adopting new pronouns for those who’ve “changed gender identity” has morphed from a trend to a social expectation to, in some places, avoiding criminal offense.

“Why Can’t You Just Go With It?”

Whenever I teach a seminar on how the Church should respond to LGBTQ people, questions like these will come up during the Q and A time:

“If my trans daughter wants to be called ‘Him’ won’t it seem disrespectful if I don’t?”

“Jesus met people where they were. Shouldn’t we?”

“I don’t want to close the door on our relationship, do I?”

“People change their names or hair colors all the time and we don’t object. So why can’t you just go with it?”

My short answers are fairly quick and easy:

“Disrespect and disagreement aren’t the same. A mutually respectful relationship will recognize that.”

“Jesus did meet people where they were, but He did so without affirming their sin or their error.”

“Jesus spoke truth to a rich young ruler, loving him yet knowing His words could close the door. That didn’t stop Him.” (Matthew 19:16-22)

“When a man changes his male name to another male name, he is not denying who he really is. When a woman changes her hair color from brown to red, her new hair color really is red, not just an imitation of red.”

Those answers are OK for starters, but there’s a two-part rationale I have for them which is foundational to my thinking about the transgender issue in general, and for my refusal to comply when someone says “Here are my preferred pronouns.”

This rationale is based on the importance of staying aligned with truth, and the seriousness of aligning ourselves not only with what is untrue, but in this case immoral as well.

Alignment with Error

Paul’s remarkable description of love in 1 Corinthians 13 has little to do with keeping the peace, or even with affection. But it has much to do with truth, which, according to the Apostle, is something real love rejoices in. (1 Corinthians 13:6)

That doesn’t exempt us from being kind. In fact, of all people, believers should be the most considerate (“Let your speech always be with grace,” Colossians 4:6) the most gentle (“Gentle to all men” 2 Timothy 2:24) and the most helpful (“Let us do good unto all men” Galatians 6:10).

But fidelity to truth doesn’t keep us from being all of the above. If I love someone, my highest desire for them is to know truth and be conformed to it. If I love the non-believer, my desire is for him to be saved. If I love the Christian who’s in error, my desire is for him abandon it. Either way, if I want what’s best for someone I love, I’ll say along with John, “I have no greater joy than to hear my children walk in truth.” (3 John 1:4)

My love for the God who cannot lie (Titus 1:2) and the person who may have believed lies will keep me from aligning myself with another person’s lie.

We know from Scripture that the sex we’re born with is foreknown (Jeremiah 1:5) and foreordained (Psalm 139:13-16). We also know from science that attempts to change that sex will only, at best, pass for changes that never really happened. The DNA we’re born with is immune to drugs or surgery, no matter how we try reshaping its container.

By this, then, we also know that when someone asks to be called by a name or pronoun representing what they aren’t, we can either comply with the request and align ourselves with a lie, or refuse the request and align ourselves with truth.

If Satan is the Father of Lies (John 8:44) and if liars are counted with those who’ll be eternally outside God’s presence (Revelation 22:15) then no human affection or desire to keep peace should compel us to align ourselves with a lie — not even when it’s embraced by people we know and love. Real love, both for them and for God, refuses alignment with what we know to be false.

Alignment with Sin

But the attempt to reject an inborn sex by identifying as another isn’t just a lie. It’s also a sin — a usurping of divine authority, and a direct insult to the wisdom and goodness of God.

He says as much when He seems to thunder through His prophet: “Woe unto him that striveth with his Maker! Shall the clay say to him that fashioned it, What makest thou?” (Isaiah 45:9)

When God says “Woe!” to someone for their actions, I need to say “Whoa!” if that someone asks me to align with those actions. Rejecting one’s inborn sex and identifying with or by another is a grave declaration of rebellion, by which the rebel says, “I’ve decided that Whoever or Whatever made me got it wrong, so I’ll take it from here.”

Rebellion is, according to 1 Samuel 15:23, a sin and then some. Samuel called it witchcraft, and witchcraft is something no Christian can offer verbal support for.

In fact, we’re specifically called to “have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness” (Ephesians 5:11) and to “be not partakers of other men’s sins” (1 Timothy 5:22).

If I consent to call someone by a name or pronoun they’ve chosen, when that choice expresses a rejection of their Maker’s plan, I am having fellowship with an unfruitful work of darkness, and partaking in another person’s sin, while aligning myself with both.

Some Ready Answers

Try these out when you’re asked to call him “her:”

“I’d never ask you to do something that violated your own conscience. Please don’t ask me to do something that violates mine.”

“You have every right to decide how you identify yourself. But don’t I also have the right to choose whether or not I agree with that identification?”

“I will not impose my views on you. Isn’t it fair to ask that you not impose yours on me?”

“Do I have to call you a proper name in order to speak with you? Can’t I just say, ‘Hey, it’s great seeing you again, let’s have lunch?’”

Dialogue with a transgender person may be challenging. God grant that we meet the challenge, and the larger challenge to speak truth in love, while refusing to compromise either.

Joe Dallas is an author, conference speaker, and ordained pastoral counselor. He directs a biblical counseling ministry for those dealing with sexual and relational problems, and with their families as well. He is the author of Desires in Conflict, The Game Plan, When Homosexuality Hits Home, Five Steps to Breaking Free from Porn and his latest, Speaking of Homosexuality.