Dejah Edwards is an author, a former teacher and biblical counselor. She has a Master’s degree in biblical counseling. Her most recent book is titled The Christmas Welcome Sign. Edwards recently spoke with The Stream about mental and emotional health during the holidays, why we may dread them and what we can do to avoid conflict with loved ones. Here’s what she had to say.

Nancy: Why are holidays hard for families?

Dejah Edwards: Holidays are hard for families because a lot of us have gone through the loss of a loved one through death or through estrangement. We are sitting at a table and somebody we love isn’t there. I have a Bible study that is praying for prodigals. And what I tell parents who have a child that isn’t coming home, you still set a place for that child. And what you do is you find the promises that God gives you, and you pray that promise over that child because God is faithful and he will bring that child home, not in your time, but in His time. 

Because He knows the wounds inside that child. The wounds that we face during our lives stay with us as adults. Most of the time we don’t address them. What we do is we push them down and think they’re gone away, but they’re still there.

Nancy: Can you talk a little bit about the emotions that people experience around Christmas time?

Dejah: The holidays come with stressors and expectations that there’s no way we can cope with. You’re right, at Christmas time, we hear all these songs, I’ll be home for Christmas. There’s this expectation of this wonderful, It’s a Wonderful Life family, and we don’t have that. And we don’t live in a Leave it to Beaver world anymore. When I grew up, things were totally different than they are now. Now we’re living with such discontent, with corruption going on around us. We don’t know who we can believe anymore. There’s wars going on all around. You know, there’s people coming into our country. We don’t feel safe. I can’t imagine the fear that our children are facing that we didn’t face. When I grew up, we didn’t have cell phones. And now everybody knows everything that’s going on, so you can’t hide from it. And I think about that. I think about the fear that people are walking with. You turn on the news, that’s all you hear, is fear, fear, fear and bad news. So what do you do with that? You have to cope with this somehow in the holidays. It’s definitely the worst time to deal with those things.

Nancy: How can people deal with it? How can they help themselves stay emotionally and mentally healthy?

Dejah: Well, first of all, you’ve got to cry out to God for healing and hope. Work against isolation. Get out there, find friends that you can be with. Don’t stay home crying, watching Hallmark movies where everything has a happy ending. Get out there, you know? And if you have grief, lean into it. Deal with the grief that you’re feeling. Watch yourself talk. Watch what you say. Take your negative thoughts and compare them with God’s Word. What does He say about you? Stop being negative all the time. What I would do is keep a gratitude journal. When I get down, I’ll write down all the good things that have happened to me. Reflect on that. Make sure you have healthy habits. Get enough sleep.

Don’t sit around eating junk all day. I know we all overeat sweets at the holidays, but sugar just really does a lot with your brain. It’s okay to indulge once in a while, but have a healthy diet. Get enough sleep and give yourself this Christmas a gift of counseling. If you need to go to a licensed counselor, if you need to talk to a pastor, do that. Because we all have things that are deep inside of us. 

Nancy: What about conflict? We hear a lot about that. We’ve maybe even experienced it ourselves — conflict over over Christmas dinner. How can people avoid that? What should they do?

Dejah: I would say stop and think before you respond. Because sometimes people come there with a chip on their shoulder and they’re ready to battle. So think before you respond, keep a sense of humor and choose your battles. Don’t make a big deal out of a little deal. Keep upsetting topics off the table. If you know somebody doesn’t like Trump, for example, don’t talk about that. Don’t bring that up. Make sure that you have realistic expectations. You know who’s going to come in there with a bad attitude. You know your family. So have a sense of humor. Bring topics that everybody can be happy about, and keep a smile on your face no matter what happens. 

You need to be happy. You need to have a positive attitude. You need to go on with the holidays, you know, this time of the year, and have realistic expectations. Make the most of what you have.

Nancy Flory, Ph.D., is a senior editor at The Stream. You can follow her @NancyFlory3, and follow The Stream @Streamdotorg.