Having seven questions each with five levels of depth can sound mechanical. You don’t build friendships like you stack Legos following the instructions to create what’s on the cover of the box. The seven questions are intended to help you to always have something to talk about. The five levels are meant to help you identify what area of a friendship is least developed and allow you to be intentional. If you have that level of awareness, go with where the conversation takes you.
Building meaningful friendships can be difficult, especially in a culture that is lonelier and more disconnected than ever. In Transformative Friendships: 7 Questions to Deepen Any Relationship, counselor Brad Hambrick encourages readers to develop new rhythms, habits, and lifestyles that will shape and grow their relationships, both with casual acquaintances and closer friends.
In this interview, we talk to Brad about the importance of building friendships and how doing so can transform your life.
Q: TRANSFORMATIVE FRIENDSHIPS EXPLORES SEVEN QUESTIONS THAT YOU BELIEVE CAN DEEPEN ANY RELATIONSHIP. WHAT ARE THOSE SEVEN QUESTIONS?
Hopefully, it’s not intimidating to imagine yourself asking a friend these questions or being asked them by a friend. In Transformative Friendships, we unpack how these simple questions can transform casual acquaintances into “iron sharpens iron” friendships that become dearer than family (Proverbs 27:17).
- What’s your story?
- What’s good?
- What’s hard?
- What’s bad?
- What’s fun?
- What’s stuck?
- What’s next?
Q: THREE OF THESE QUESTIONS SEEM TO LINK TOGETHER—WHAT’S GOOD? WHAT’S HARD? WHAT’S BAD? WHY ARE EACH OF THESE QUESTIONS IMPORTANT AND HOW DO THEY EACH HELP IN DEEPENING OUR FRIENDSHIPS?
From a Christian perspective, this invites us to explore our identity in Christ (what’s good), suffering (what’s hard), and sin (what’s bad). In different Christian traditions, one of these questions may be emphasized more than the others. But if friendships are going to have a holistic and balanced influence on our life, then we need to emphasize all three.
Q: IS IT BETTER TO HAVE A FEW REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS OR MANY MORE CASUAL FRIENDS?
That’s a good question, but I think it’s better not to think in terms of either-or. There are benefits to having really close friendships, but if all our friendships were “deep” that would be exhausting and crowd out other life responsibilities. Casual friendships also enrich our life, but if all our friendships were “shallow” we would feel lonely in a socially crowded life.
One of the things I want to do in Transformative Friendships is help people see the value of both and learn how to be intentional in taking a few of their casual friendships to a deeper level.
Q: WHAT ARE SOME OF THE FACTORS THAT MAKE HAVING GOOD FRIENDSHIPS HARDER THAN IT SHOULD BE?
This can vary from context to context. I currently live in a big city where people move in and out all the time. The frequency with which people move make friendships feel temporary. But I grew up in a small town where being vulnerable felt riskier because everyone there would know you for the rest of your life.
There is also the factor of social media. Social media allows us to polish our image as we post the best pictures and narrate them in our preferred way. Because of this lots of people know a lot about us, but we don’t really feel known. We put out curated information about ourselves, but that can impede cultivating an actual relationship because of the limited engagement. I’m not against social media. I just think we need to be more aware of how it impacts who we call a “friend.”
Q: AS YOU’VE SERVED AS A COUNSELOR AND WORKED TO CREATE CHURCH-BASED COUNSELING MODELS, WHAT HAVE YOU LEARNED ABOUT PEOPLE’S RELIANCE ON COUNSELING OVER FRIENDSHIP?
Many people begin to rely on counseling as a friend-substitute. Counseling is where they are “real” and talk about what’s “hard.” They think if they’re engaging in counseling (which I’m all for) that friendships can just focus on what is “fun” and “good.” The result is that their friendships become more superficial. Ideally, when counseling is needed, it would be a place to talk about and tame the hard parts of life in a way that makes those subjects more approachable in their closer friendships. An indication that someone is ready to graduate from counseling is when he or she feels like they can talk about their hardships in their friendships.
Q: HOW DOES TRANSFORMATIVE FRIENDSHIPS FIT INTO THE CHURCH-BASED COUNSELING SERIES THAT YOU HAVE WRITTEN?
The Church-Based Counseling series is primarily about helping churches create counseling ministries that are relationally sustainable, liability wise, and church compatible. But I didn’t want churches to think, “Now that we have a counseling ministry, that is where we send all the hurting people.” That would make the church less of what God intends it to be.
Transformative Friendships is meant to be a resource that strengthens friendships in a church. That should serve a counseling ministry, if a church chooses to create one, in two ways. First, it helps those who are reaching out for counseling not to over rely on counseling. A counseling ministry cannot and should not privatize discipleship. Second, it creates a relational context for those receiving counseling that makes counseling more effective.